The Gourry Horror Picture Show
by Keika no Kaiyou
Summary: I'd recommend reading this if you've watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show or like to picture the Slayers cast in drag. Either way I had a fun time writing it! Z/L, X/other, X/G, X/Z, X/L. Weirdness incarnate.


The Gourry Horror Picture Show  
By Keika no Kaiyou  
  
  
  
Dr. Frank N Furter: Xellos  
Rocky: Gourry  
Janet: Lina  
Brad: Zelgadis  
Eddie: Valgaav  
Riffraff: Zangulas  
Magenta: Martina  
Columbas: Filia  
Doctor Scott: Rezo  
Criminologist: Keika  
  
  
  
Wedding bells were ringing. People were shouting merrily. The author threw rice at the computer screen until she realized that this wasn't the movie, but an insane parody and then pouted while she trashed the living room looking for her tape so she could really watch the movie. However that is another story....  
"Great wedding, huh Lina?" Zelgadis asked as he waved goodbye to the newly married couple.  
Lina rubbed sleep out of her eyes. "Not sure.... I was sleeping during the entire thing."  
"I know."  
Lina blushed. "You heard me snoring?"  
"So did the entire church."  
"DRAGON......"  
Zelgadis thought quick. "Lina! Will you marry me!?"  
Lina froze in mid spell and blushed. "Marry you? Oh Zelgadis I never knew! I always thought you liked Amelia!"  
"Who?"  
"Never mind. Of course I'll marry you!"  
"Oh Lina! You've made me the happiest chimera in the world!"  
Lina sweatdropped. "About that chimera thing....."  
Zelgadis got a weird look on his face. "Hey Lina...."  
"What?"  
"Do you suddenly feel like breaking into song?"  
"What the hel....."  
  
Zelgadis:  
The river was deep so  
I took the bridge (Lina)  
The future is ours so   
let's party (Lina)  
So please, don't tell   
me to spam it (Lina)  
I've one thing to say   
and that's Dammit, Lina   
I love you.  
  
Zelgadis paused. "Alright, this is stupid."  
Jade appeared a whip in hand. "Sing or you may be forced to do something worse."  
"Like what!?"  
Jade smirked. "Ever heard of what happened to Nephrite when I forced him to sing "True Colors" in front of a bunch of drooling fangirls?"  
"No."  
"That's the point."  
Zelgadis sweatdropped and continued to sing.  
  
The road was long so  
I took the train (Lina)  
There's a fire in my   
heart and you've started it. (Lina)  
If there's one chimera for   
you then I am it. (Lina)  
I've one thing to say and   
that's Dammit, Lina   
I love you.  
  
Here's a ring to prove   
that I'm no joker.  
There's three ways that   
love can grow.  
That's good, bad,   
or mediocre.  
Oh, L-I-N-A-INVERSE I   
love you so.  
  
Lina:  
Oh, it's nicer than Martina   
that bitch had. (Oh Zel)  
Now we're engaged and I'm   
so glad (Oh Zel)  
That you met Mom and you   
know Dad. (But not Luna!)  
I've one thing to say and   
that's Zel, your swell, even though your blue  
Oh Zel...  
  
Zelgadis:  
Oh... dammit.  
  
Lina:  
I'm mad...  
  
Zelgadis:  
Oh, Lina.  
  
Lina:  
For you.  
  
Zelgadis:  
I love you too.  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
There's one thing left to   
do - ah - oo.  
  
Zelgadis:  
And that's go see the   
man who began it. (Lina)  
When we met while I was trying   
Kidnap you (Lina)  
Made me give you the eye   
and then panic. (Lina)  
Now I've one thing to say   
and that's Dammit, Lina,   
I love you.  
Dammit, Lina.  
  
Lina:  
Oh Zelgadis, I'm mad.  
  
Zelgadis:  
Dammit, Lina.  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
I ... love ... you.  
  
Zelgadis and Lina stood there blinking. "That was weird....." Lina muttered.  
"Wanna go visit Rezo so he can marry us?"  
Lina blinked at him. "Rezo can do that?"  
"No, but he can make the best fake marriage certificates."  
"Let's go!"  
*****  
"And so Lina and Zelgadis traveled on, conveniently getting lost, no thanks to a certain insane twin sister of the author," Keika said pulling out some charts.  
Jade glared at her goodie goodie twin sister. "It's not my fault! You were the one who came up with this idea!"  
"And you weren't in any way responsible for this?"  
"No, if I had my way we'd be doing the Goku Horror Picture Show and Bra and Goten would be heading to Vegeta's mansion. You were the one who talked me out of it!"  
Keika sweatdropped. "So there is a god....."  
"What does that mean!?"  
"Nothing....."  
"I see."  
"Anyway, back to our story," Keika said opening a large book. "Little did our heros know they were about to be thrown into a very strange, very weird tale...."  
"Isn't weird the same as strange?" Jade asked grinning.  
"Shut up and start up the movie."  
*****  
"We're lost!" Lina growled rolling her eyes.  
"No we're not," Zelgadis protested.  
"We should have stopped for directions."  
"We're not lost," Zelgadis repeated.  
"Zelgadis, we're in the middle of nowhere, it's raining out, and WE'RE LOST DAMMIT!!"  
"Fine!" Zelgadis yelled. "How about we stop at the creepy looking house on the other side of the road and ask for directions then!?"  
"NO!" Lina shrieked. "Do you know what will happen then?"  
"No. What?"  
"We'll be forced to take part in an evil experiment in which a man will be created by an insane bisexual Doctor by the name of Frank N Furter."  
Zelgadis blinked and sweatdropped. "Lina, you've been watching *way* too much Rocky Horror Picture Show."  
"You've been warned," Lina muttered.  
They drove on.  
They drove until a motorcyclist drove by splashing mud all over Zelgadis's new paint job. "*Bleep* you, you mother *bleeping* *bleep*!"  
Lina actually blushed. "Remind me not to get you mad."  
Still driving they came across a road block.  
"Looks like a dead end," Zelgadis sighed.  
"I hate that choice of words," Lina muttered. "Hey Zel, if there's a dead end here then where did that motorcyclist come from?"  
Zelgadis ignored her. "We better turn around."  
At that moment there was a loud explosion.   
"WHAT WAS THAT!?" Lina shrieked.  
"The tire must have blown out.... *bleep* it! Xellos stole the spare too!"  
There was another explosion.  
"NOW WHAT WAS THAT!?" Lina shrieked.  
"Nothing..... It was just....." The car exploded. "The car exploding....."  
"YOU LITTLE *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP*!" Lina shrieked noticing a green haired girl standing there. "YOU BLEW UP ARE CAR, DIDN'T YOU!?"  
The girl smiled. "Yeah."  
"WHY *BLEEP* YOU!?"  
The girl struck a dramatic pose. "Because I felt like it!!" she declared and ran off shouting something about the Time Warp and how she was just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania, and if she wasn't she'd just pretend and carry on with the fic.  
Lina and Zelgadis stared after her. "That was weird."  
"Shall we go to the mansion now?" Zelgadis asked.  
Lina shrugged. "Whatever, things can't get much worse....."  
*****  
"You had to say that didn't you?" Zelgadis asked.  
"Hey! It's not my fault! How was I supposed to know that these puddles had leeches in them!?" Lina demanded.  
Zelgadis sighed. "You know that scary pickling feeling is back. Shall we burst into song or decide to ignore the author and go to the house?"  
"House first, song later," Lina growled.  
The green haired girl appeared again, a sword in her hands. "Sing *bleep* you. I spent five whole minutes actually speaking civilly to my goodie-too-shoes twin sister to get this song the way I wanted it to be. You will now sing, or else....."  
Lina and Zelgadis sighed. "We are so reviewing our contracts after this....."  
  
Lina:  
In the twilight darkness,  
Of the blackest pitch,  
Burning bright,  
There's a guiding star.  
No matter what or who you are.  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
There's a light...  
  
Chorus:  
Over at the Frankenstein place.  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
There's a light...  
  
Chorus:  
Burning in the fireplace.  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
There's a light, ... light ...   
in the darkness of everybody's life.  
  
Zangulas:  
The darkness must go down the   
river of night's dreaming.  
Flow Martina my sweetest slow, let the   
sun and light come streaming  
Into my life. Into my life...  
Gourry I shall defeat you!  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
There's a light...  
(This place is messed up!)  
  
Chorus:  
Over at the Frankenstein place.  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
There's a light...  
  
Chorus:  
Burning in the fireplace.  
There's a light, a light  
  
Zelgadis & Lina:  
...in the darkness of everybody's life.  
(Especially ours!)  
  
Zelgadis and Lina just looked over at each other. "I'm not liking this fanfic," Zelgadis growled.  
"We just had to get an author that was totally insane, didn't we?" Lina growled.  
They went up to the door and Lina blew it in using a Fireball spell. "Anybody home!?"  
Zangulas walked up in a creepy looking suit. "Can I help you?"  
Zelgadis nodded. "Yeah, our car blew up. Can we use your phone?"  
Zangulas blinked. "Uh okay. Come inside."  
Lina and Zelgadis walked inside. "This is messed up!" Lina whispered.  
"Oh this is only a hunting lodge for rich weirdos, nothing to worry about," Zelgadis told her calmly.  
"You should be honored, you've come on the master's special night," Zangulas said. "You're very lucky."  
"You're lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!!" Martina shrieked falling down the stairs.  
Everyone sweatdropped. "That's nice."  
The clock began to ring.  
"Oh no," Lina muttered. "That tingling feeling is back....."  
"Let's pray that we'll make this through alive," Zelgadis muttered grabbing onto Lina and closing his eyes.  
  
Zangulas:  
It's astounding;  
Time is fleeting;  
Madness takes its toll.  
But listen closely...  
  
Martina:  
Not for very much longer.  
  
Zangulas:  
I've got to keep control.  
I remember doing the time-warp  
Guzzling those moments when  
The Dragon Slave would hit me  
And the void would be calling...  
  
Transylvanians:  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Keika:  
It's just a jump to the left.  
  
Jade:  
(muttering) I wanted to sing the song....  
  
All:  
And then a step to the right.  
  
Keika:  
With your hands on your hips.  
  
All:  
You bring your knees in tight.  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Martina:  
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.  
So you can't see me, no, Xellos isn't hot.  
  
Keika:  
DIE!!!!  
  
Martina:  
In another dimension, where   
Zangulas is cool,  
Well secluded, I see all.  
  
Zangulas:  
With a bit of a mind flip  
  
Martina:  
You're into the Slayers slip.  
  
Zangulas:  
And nothing can ever be the same.  
  
Martina:  
You're spaced out on sensation.  
  
Zangulas:  
Like you're under sedation.  
  
All:  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Filia:  
Well I was walking down the street   
just a-having a think  
When a wolf of a guy gave me an   
evil wink.  
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.  
He had a pickup truck, and the   
violet's eyes.  
He stared at me and I felt a change.  
Time meant nothing, never would again.  
  
All:  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Keika:  
It's just a jump to the left.  
  
All:  
And then a step to the right.  
  
Keika:  
With your hands on your hips.  
  
All:  
You bring your knees in tight.  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
  
Everyone fell to the ground passed out. Lina and Zelgadis stared at them sweatdropping.  
"Zel, forget the phone, let's get the hell out of here!" Lina shouted.  
"Nonsense! These people are just doing a bit of folk dancing, maybe they'll do some more."  
Lina gave him 'a look'. "Zelgadis you're living in a world by the name of 'Denial' and it's starting to scare me."  
The dancers were by now staring at them with a weird look of joy on their faces. Jade appeared and began jumping up and down with joy. "Yeah! Now the scary fun stuff begins!"  
"Huh?"  
"Hello Lina and Zelgadis!" Xellos's cheerful voice said from behind them.  
Lina turned and screamed. "XELLOS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING!?"  
"Drag. Now shut up, I'm about to sing my song!!"  
  
Xellos:  
How d'you do, I  
See you've met my  
Faithful sword wielding guy.  
He's just a little   
brought down  
Because when you knocked  
He thought you were   
Gourry the sword man.  
Don't get strung out by   
the way I look.  
Don't judge a book by   
its cover.  
I'm not much of a mazoku  
by the light of day  
But by night I'm one   
hell of a trickster.  
I'm just a sweet   
transvestite  
From Transexual,   
Transylvania.  
  
Let me show you around  
Maybe play you a sound.  
You look like you're   
both pretty scary.  
Or if you want something   
visual  
That's not too abysmal,  
We could take in an old   
Dracula movie.  
  
Zelgadis:  
("I can't believe I'm singing this.")  
I'm glad we caught you   
at home,  
Could we use your phone?  
We're both in a bit of   
a hurry.  
  
Lina:  
Right.  
  
Zelgadis:  
We'll just say where we   
are,  
Then go back to the remains of the car.  
We don't want to be any   
worry.  
  
Xellos:  
Well your car blew up,   
well, how `bout that?  
Well, Slayers, don't you   
panic.  
By the light of the night   
it'll all seem alright.  
I'll get you a satanic   
mechanic.  
  
Jade pulled out a tool box, smiling. "You called?"  
  
Xellos:  
I'm just a sweet   
transvestite  
From Transexual,   
Transylvania.  
  
Why don't you stay for   
the night? (Night)  
Or maybe a bite? (Bite)  
I could show you my   
favorite obsession.  
I've been making a man  
Because I can  
And he's good for   
distracting Lord Beastmaster  
  
I'm just a sweet   
transvestite  
From Transexual,   
Transylvania.  
HIT IT, HIT IT!  
I'm just a sweet   
transvestite.   
(Sweet transvestite)  
From Transexual,   
Transylvania.  
  
Xellos grinned at them. "Like it?"  
Lina and Zelgadis blinked. "You are one sick Mazoku."  
"Thank you!" Xellos chirped. "Come upstairs when you get finished off by my servants." With that he vanished.  
"Finished off?" Zelgadis repeated.  
Martina and Zangulas closed in and quickly reduced Zelgadis and Lina to their underwear.  
"I am *this* close to Dragon Slaving this entire fanfic and killing Xellos," Lina growled.  
"I'm with you Lina," Zelgadis growled.  
Martina and Zanulas tossed Lina and Zelgadis into the elevator and pushed the 'up' button. "So how did you two get conned into this?" Zelgadis asked.  
"Keika asked us nicely and when we said no Jade threatened us with a small X-wing fighter," Martina sighed.  
"We don't really mind though," Zangulas smirked. "We got to read the script and we're rather looking forwards to the ending."  
"What does that mean?"  
"We're here," Martina chirped opening the door.  
Xellos stood there in a smock with gloves on either hand. "Hello again my best buddies! I see you're properly clothed at last!"  
"Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows...." Lina muttered.  
"Lina, really there is no need for that!" Xellos said smiling. He was standing in front of a large fishtank.  
"Xellos, what are we here for?"  
"Sore wa himitsu....."  
Zelgadis punched him in the stomach.  
".....desu...... itai..... Dammit Zel, what a bitch! Quick Martina, pull the switch!"  
Everyone sweatdropped except for Jade who fell over laughing hysterically. "YES! I was waiting for Keika to write that line in!!"  
Martina pulled the switch. Lights flashed and corny sound effects played. Xellos laughed hysterically. A mummy wrapped man stepped out of the fishtank. Martina and Filia stepped up and unwrapped reveling a confused Gourry standing there.  
"Hi Lina!"  
"GOURRY!? YOU MADE GOURRY!?" Lina shrieked.  
Xellos grinned. "'Aint he cute?"  
Everyone face vaulted.  
Gourry looked even more confused. "Hey Lina, what's this strange tingling feeling?"  
Lina sighed. "It means your about to burst into song for no apparent reason driving us further insane."  
Gourry scratched his head. "What's a song?"  
Everyone face vaulted.  
Xellos pulled himself off the ground still grinning. "In that case I'll take the time to skip ahead in the plot some. Hey Lina, how do you like my hot piece of meat!?"  
Lina turned, found a bathroom, and puked up her guts.  
Xellos grinned. "I knew she'd love him!" He paused for a moment. "I'm going to break into song now!"  
"NO!" everybody screamed.  
  
Xellos:  
A weakling weighing ninety-eight   
pounds  
Will get a foot in his face  
And kicked to the ground,  
And soon in the gym with a   
determined chin,  
The sweat from his pores as he   
works for his life  
Will make him glisten  
and gleam.  
And with massage, and just a little   
bit of steam,  
He'll be pink and quite clean  
He'll be a strong man. Oh honey...  
  
All:  
But the wrong man.  
  
Xellos:  
He'll eat nutritious high protein,  
And swallow raw eggs...  
Try to build up his shoulders,   
his chest, arms, and... legs. (He he he)  
Such an effort if he only knew   
of my plan.  
In just seven days...  
I can make you a man.  
  
He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups  
Do the smearch, clean and jerk.  
He thinks dynamic tension must   
be hard work.  
Such strenuous living I just   
don't understand,  
When in just seven days, ...oh   
baby, ...I can make you a man.  
  
The floor shook, the walls trembled. "There is a god!" Lina shrieked. "He's going to end this fanfic by destroying the world!"  
"Valgaav!" Filia shrieked in excitement.  
The wall came down nearly crushing Xellos and Valgaav ran out. "YES! I'm out! I feel like singing!"  
Everyone sighed, beginning to get used to this, and plugged their ears.  
  
Valgaav:  
Whatever happened to   
Saturday night,  
When you dressed up   
sharp and you felt alright?  
It don't seem the same   
since cosmic light  
Came into my life,   
I thought I was divine.  
I used to go for a ride   
with a dragon who'd go,  
And listen to the music   
on the radio;  
A saxophone was blowing   
on a rock `n roll show.  
You climbed in the back seat,   
you really had a good time. (Wink)  
  
Hot patootie, bless my   
soul,   
I really love that   
rock `n roll.  
  
My head used to swim   
from the perfume I smelled.  
My hands kind of fumbled   
with her white plastic belt.  
  
"PERVERT!" Filia shrieked.  
  
I'd taste her baby pink   
lipstick and that's when   
I'd melt  
And she'd whisper in my ear   
tonight she really was mine.  
Get back in front,   
put some hair oil on  
Gaav was singing   
his very last song.  
With your arms around your   
girl you'd try to sing along.  
It felt pretty good. Woo   
You really had a good time.  
  
Hot patootie, bless my soul,   
I really love that   
rock `n roll.  
  
Hot patootie, bless my soul,  
I really love that   
rock `n roll.  
  
No one even blinked as Xellos blew Valgaav up. Only Filia screamed.  
"VALGAAV!!! NOOOOOOO!" she sobbed.  
Xellos blinked. "That was relaxing, now where was I?"  
Eveyone plugged their ears again.  
  
Xellos:  
But a deltoid and a bicep.  
A hot *get's smacked by Keika* and a tricep.  
Makes me, oooh, shake,  
Makes me want to take Brad   
Pitt by the ...ha-ha-hand.  
In just seven days, ... oh, baby ...   
I can make you a man.  
I don't want no dissention,   
just dynamic tension.  
  
Lina:  
I'm a muscle fan.  
  
Xellos:  
In just seven days,   
I can make you a man.  
Dig it if you can  
In just seven days,   
I can make you a man.  
Nice aren't I?  
  
Xellos grabbed Gourry by the ear and they vanished.  
Lina blinked. "Dare I ask? Where are they going?"  
Zangulas smiled. "To their wedding sweet, where else?"  
Zelgadis and Lina quickly lost the remainder of their lunch.  
*****  
Keika stared at the movie screen blankly. "I can't believe it! Xellos took Gourry to his wedding sweet!"  
Jade continued to file her nails. "So? It was part of the script, you wrote it in."  
"BUT HE SEEMED WAY TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT! WHY WAS HE SO FREAKING HAPPY ABOUT IT!?" Keika shrieked.  
Jade grinned. "Hon, you really are going to have to accept that your boyfriend is more then just a *little* bi. I really don't see why this is so much of a surprise. I mean, look at all the Xellos/Zelgadis fanfics out there. Didn't that give you a hint?"  
Keika glared at her. "Is that so? What about those Jedite/Nephrite fics?"  
"NANI YO!!!!???? MY JEDI-CHAN AND THAT STUPID FORTUNE TELLER A COUPLE!? SOMEONE MUST PAY!"  
"Shut up Jade," Keika growled. "To continue with my story Lina and Zelgadis are being taken to their separate rooms. Since this fic can't get any more messed up and since I know I'm defiantly going to be stoned to death by, if not readers, then my freinds, I'm just going to let it continue on."  
*****  
Lina looked around her quarters carefully. Despite the fact it looked far too blue, it looked harmless enough. Getting under the covers she gently fell asleep, hoping that when she woke this would turn out to be just one big nightmare.  
*****  
Zelgadis blinked as he looked around his room. It was..... red. Very red and very much all red. He sighed and laid down on the bed. Things couldn't get much worse....."  
*****  
"Lina, are you in here?" Zelgadis's voice asked.  
Lina sat up. "Yeah, Zel, I'm here!"  
"Thank god," Zelgadis said climbing into bed with her. "Lina this place is a mad house!"  
"Finally you're realizing it!"  
Zelgadis kissed his way down Lina's neck as she giggled. "Oh Zelgadis!"  
The mask gave way in her hand.  
"It's you!" Lina gasped. "Oh! If I had known it was you I wouldn't have done it! No I wouldn't have!"  
"I'm sure," Xellos smirked. "Jade spiked that rainwater so badly I don't think you know me from Filia."  
"You mean you're not Filia?" Lina asked sounding surprised. "And what was that about spiked rainwater?"  
Xellos sighed. "Nothing." He began kissing Lina again.  
"Stop it! Lina shrieked. "Stop it or I'll scream!"  
"But Lina, you don't want Zelgadis to see you like this, would you!?"  
Lina thought about this for a moment. "Promise not to tell?"  
Xellos sweatdropped. "No Lina. This fanfic may get posted on the web and read by millions, but I won't tell."  
"Alright then!"  
"HEY!" Xellos shrieked. "LEMMIE GO YOU PERVERT!"  
*****  
"The things I do to please my girlfriend," Xellos muttered straightening his clothes. "After all this is over we are going to have a *long* talk."  
*****  
"Oh Zelgadis! Are you in here!" Lina asked breathless.  
"Yes, Lina. I'm here!" Zelgadis called back.  
"Oh Zel! I'm so scared!" Lina called jumping into bed with Zelgadis. "Hold me."  
"Don't worry Lina, I'll protect you," Zelgadis said bravely. He giggled as Lina began kissing her way down his chest. "Oh Lina....."  
The mask gave way in his hand.  
"It's you!" Zelgadis gasped. "Oh! If I had known it was you I wouldn't have done it! No I wouldn't have!"  
Xellos blinked. "Why am I getting the feeling like this is some twisted episode of the twilight zone?"  
"What was that?"  
"Nothing," Xellos sighed. He began kissing Zelgadis again.  
"Stop it or I'll Ra Tilt your ass!" Zelgadis threatened.  
"But Zelgadis! Do you really want Lina to see you like this...."  
"Promise not to tell?"  
Xellos paused and sweatdropped. He remembered what had gone on with Lina all too well. "Ummm..... I'll tell everyone I know, including the total strangers I meet on the street."  
"Alright then!"  
"Not again..... LET ME GO!!! SOMEBODY HELP!!"  
*****  
"And I think to myself..... What a wonderful world!" Jade sang watching the movie screen in amusement. "This is better then a soap opera," she mused. "It was a great idea to spike that rainwater with the right amount of alcohol so that when we got to this part of the fic Lina and Zelgadis would be totally stoned. Don't you think sis?" Jade asked glancing over at Keika.  
Keika didn't answer. She was too busy sobbing hysterically about Xellos being a traitor.  
Jade sighed and continued to watch. "Everybody's a critic."  
*****  
Zangulas and Martina glanced over at Gourry. Zangulas grinned at Martina, carefully snook up and grabbed his sword. (The sword of light, perverts!!) Still smiling he whistled to attract Gourry's attention.  
"Huh. MY SWORD!" Gourry shrieked.  
Zangulas tossed the sword out the window. "Go get it!"  
Gourry jumped out the window after the sword.  
*****  
"Master, Gourry has escaped," Zangulas's voice said over the loud speaker. "We have just released the hounds."  
"My sword! Where's my sword!?" Gourry shrieked, digging through the bushes.  
*****  
Lina ran up into the lab. Turning the Tv on she gave a shriek of anger as she saw Zelgadis smoking a cigarette over Xellos who seemed to be raving something never going out with Keika again.  
"Oh Zelgadis!" Lina cried. "You traitor! I can't believe you did the same thing I did!"  
Lina staggered over to the large fish tank and found Gourry hiding there.  
"Oh you poor thing! How did you get here?"  
"Zangulas threw my sword out the window."  
"You're an idiot, you know that?"  
"Uhhh... yeah."  
Lina sighed as she felt the tingling feeling again. "Oh well, your idiocy is driving me to song..... I should have known...."  
  
Lina:  
I was feeling done in, ...   
couldn't win  
I'd only ever kissed before.  
  
Filia:  
You mean she's a...  
  
Martina:  
Uh, huh  
  
Lina:  
I thought there's no use getting  
Into heavy petting  
It only leads to trouble  
Luna getting mad.  
  
Now all I want to know is how to go.  
I've tasted blood and I want more.   
  
Filia and Martina:  
More, more, more.  
  
Lina:  
I'll put up no resistance.   
I want to stay the distance  
I've got an itch to scratch.   
I need assistance.  
  
Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
I want to be dirty  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me  
Creature of the night.  
  
Then if anything grows,   
while you pose,  
I'll oil you up and rub you down.   
  
Filia and Martina:  
Down, down, down.  
  
Lina:  
And that's just one small fraction   
of the main attraction  
You need a friendly hand   
and I need action.  
  
Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
I want to be dirty  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me  
Creature of the night.  
  
Filia:  
Toucha toucha toucha touch me  
  
Martina:  
I want to be dirty.  
  
Filia:  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,  
  
Martina:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Lina:  
Toucha toucha toucha touch me   
I want to be dirty  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,   
creature of the night.  
  
Gourry:  
Creature of the night  
  
Zelgadis:  
Creature of the night?  
  
Xellos:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Jade:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Keika:  
I can't believe I'm doing this.....  
Creature of the night  
  
Zangulas:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Filia:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Gourry:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Lina:  
Creature of the night.  
  
Jade stared at the screen. "You know, I think this is my best work ever."  
Keika shrugged. "At least Xellos wasn't involved this time...."  
*****  
"How could this have happened!?" Xellos shrieked.  
"I was only gone for a second," Zangulas whined.  
"Sure, sure," Xellos muttered.  
Martina glances at the Tv. "Hey Xellos, we have a visitor."  
Zelgadis glanced over. "Hey that's Rezo! It figures he'd show up at the worst possible moment....."  
"You know him?" Xellos demanded.  
"Yeah, he's an old acquaintance. He's the one who got Lina and I to meet."  
"I'm sure!" Xellos growled. "So you didn't know that Rezo was coming?"  
"I already said this was a total surprise."  
"YOU LIE!"  
"Master, the human has entered the building."  
Xellos paused. "If he's in the building there is only one place where he could have gone. THE PORN ROOM!"  
Everyone sweatdropped. "Somebody was on drugs when they wrote this."  
Jade grinned. "Thanks for noticing."  
Xellos smiled Satanically. "Zangulas! Pull the switch!"  
Zangulas pulled a big lever labeled 'the switch'. Rezo came crashing into the room head first. "Ow. Remind me to never take a job again. I always get killed or beaten up."  
"You deserve it you *******BEEEEEEP*******."  
"Zelgadis! What are you doing here?"  
Xellos cackled. "I'm sure! So, you honestly didn't know that Zelgadis and Lina would be here?"  
"Lina's here too?" Rezo asked looking surprised.  
"By the way, where is Lina?" Zelgadis asked.  
"GOURRY YOU PERVERT! STOP TOUCHING ME THERE!"  
"But Lina, they're so small...."  
Everyone sweatdropped.  
Xellos pulled the sheet off the bottom of the large fishtank. "Sooo..... that explains all those long waits while you two went to get firewood....."  
Lina punched Xellos in the nose.  
"Itai..... Oh well. I'm just glad it wasn't me this time."  
"Lina!" Zelgadis gasped.  
"Zelgadis!" Lina breathed.  
"Lina!" Rezo shouted.  
"Rezo!" Lina breathed.  
"Gourry!" Xellos growled.  
Gourry blinked.  
"Lina!" Zelgadis gasped.  
"Zelgadis!" Lina breathed.  
"Lina!" Rezo shouted.  
"Rezo!" Lina breathed.  
"Gourry!" Xellos growled.  
Gourry blinked.  
"Lina!" Zelgadis gasped.  
"Zelgadis!" Lina breathed.  
"Lina!" Rezo shouted.  
"Rezo!" Lina breathed.  
"Gourry!" Xellos growled.  
Gourry blinked.  
"Well I'd act to be upset, however this is a lie more then I usually tell soo..... HURRAH! THIS FANFIC IS ALMOST OVER!" Xellos shouted dancing around.  
Filia and Martina sweatdropped. "Dinner is served," they chorused.  
*****  
Everyone sat at the table silently. Solemnly Xellos stood a glass of wine in his hand. "A toast!"  
Jade appeared and chucked toast at him.  
"Thanks Jade-chan!"  
"Anytime Xelly!"  
Xellos pulled out a large chainsaw and carved the large turkey that looked suspiciously like Amelia. (You didn't think I was going to write her in here did you?) He then tossed random pieces of meat at different things until the entire dining room was covered with raw meat.  
"Dig in!" he chirped sticking a slice of uncooked meat in his mouth.  
Everyone blinked. "Hey Xellos, aren't you supposed to cook meat before you eat it?"  
Xellos blinked and smiled. "Knew I missed a step...... Oh well! So Rezo, why are you here?"  
"I'm here to find my grandson Valgaav."  
"VALGAAV!?" Filia shrieked.  
Xellos revved up the chainsaw.  
"I mean.... haven't seen him."  
Zelgadis glared at him. "You mean that Valgaav is your grandson too? What does that make me?"  
"You two are siamese twins separated at birth."  
"You're a freak."  
"Thank you. So, have you seen Valgaav?"  
Filia ran out of the room sobbing. Screams filled the air.  
"She forgot to take her medication," Xellos explained.  
"I see."  
Tingling filled the air.  
"NO!" everyone screamed.  
Jade pouted. "But I wanna hear people sing!"  
Xellos pulled the tablecloth off the table to reveal the body of a bloody and mangled Prince Phil.  
Everyone screamed.  
Jade sweatdropped. "Huh? What happened to Valgaav's corpse?"  
"I sold it to the side show for a buck," Xellos said shrugging.  
"Whatever. You got out of the song, now hurry up with the plot before this fics rating goes to NC-17," Jade sighed gesturing to a making out Lina and Gourry.  
"HEY!" Xellos shrieked. "I'm the star of the show! No making out unless it's with me!" He paused and blinked. "That didn't sound right. I'M SORRY KEIKA!" Xellos chased after Lina and Gourry with a chainsaw.  
Lina ran up the stairs screaming as Xellos followed her laughing insanely. Everyone ran up to the lab where a large vat of glue was poured over the floor causing everyone to become stuck.  
"Smart one Xellos. Now we can't move!" Lina growled.  
"Ha!" Xellos laughed. "You may not be able to move but I...... can't move either...... I hate fanfics."  
"Um, Master.... what should we do?"  
"Pull the switch of course!"  
Martina pulled the switch marked 'do not pull' and turned Lina, Zelgadis, Gourry, and Rezo into stone.  
"I hate it when everyone turns against you...." Xellos sighed dramatically.  
Filia blinked. "Xellos you're a jerk, a loser, and I don't know why people pair me up with you in fanfics you FLOP!"  
"DIE!" Xellos shrieked diving towards Filia. He landed on the floor, face first, and remained stuck there. "Damn."  
Martina sweatdropped and turned Filia into stone too.  
"Master, when are we returning to SlayersLand?" Zangulas asked looking annoyed.  
"When I feel like it," Xellos growled. "NOW GO GET A CROW BAR!"  
"Jerk."  
*****  
Keika sighed. "I have long ago lost control of this fanfic so it is not in the hands of Jade. Because of this terrifying things can happen. Especially where men in drag and a floor show is involved. Be afraid, be very afraid...."  
*****  
Xellos skipped around the stage humming the Barney song. "Almost ready!" he chirped as he finished putting lipstick on the Zelgadis statue. "I love my job," he giggled.  
Tingling filled the air as Xellos flipped the switch.  
  
Filia:  
It was great when it all began.  
I was a regular Xellos fan.  
But it was over when he had the plan  
To start a-working on a sword wielding man.  
Now the only thing that gives me hope  
Is my love of a certain dope.  
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe   
from my trouble and pain.  
  
Gourry:  
I'm just seven hours old,  
Truly beautiful to behold.  
And somebody should be told  
My... uh I don't know my lines....  
(Cause I'm a dork)  
  
Zelgadis:  
It's beyond me; help me somebody!  
I'll be good; you'll see.  
Take this dream away from me.  
What's this? Let's see,  
I feel sexy!  
What's come over me?  
Whoa! Here it comes again.  
  
Zelgadis glared at a cackling Jade. "I hate you."  
"I feel sexy!" Jade said mimicking Zelgadis.  
"After all this is over..... You. Will. Die."  
"I FELL SEXY!! ZELGADIS SAYS HE FEELS SEXY!"  
Keika hit Jade upside the head. "Shut up and let's finish this."  
  
Lina:  
I feel released; bad times deceased.  
My confidence has increased;   
reality is here.  
The game has been disbanded  
My mind has been expanded.  
It's a trick that Xellos created!  
His smile is so sincere. (BS)  
  
Keika stared at the characters dancing around in drag. "Jade, just how much alcohol did  
you give them?"  
Jade smiled at the floorshow. "Enough."  
"I was afraid of that answer."  
  
Xellos:  
Whatever happened to Fay Wray?  
That delicate, satin-draped frame?  
As it clung to her thigh  
How I started to cry  
`cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.  
  
Jade grinned at Keika. "So he wanted to be danced just like Fay, huh?"  
"DIE!"  
(Sorry people, inside joke. You won't get it unless you know me.)  
  
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.  
Swim the warm waters of killing Gold Dragons.  
Mazoku nightmares, beyond any measure  
And trickster daydreams to treasure forever.  
Can't you just see it? Oh, oh, oh.  
Don't dream it - be it.  
  
All:  
Don't dream it - be it.   
Don't dream it - be it.   
Don't dream it - be it.   
Don't dream it - be it.   
Don't dream it - be it.   
  
Rezo:  
EEP! We've got to get out of this trap  
before this decadence saps our wills.  
I've got to be strong, and try to hang on  
Or else my mind may well snap  
Und my life will be lived   
...for the thrills!  
(Prances around some in drag)  
  
Zelgadis:  
It's beyond me; help me somebody!  
  
Lina:  
I am so going to Dragon Slave someone  
After this.  
  
Xellos:  
My, my, my ... my, my, my, my, my   
... my, my, my, my, ...my!  
I'm a wild and an untamed thing.  
I'm a wolf with a deadly bite.  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.  
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.  
So let the party and the sounds rock on.  
We're gonna shake it `til the life has gone.  
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my   
trouble and pain.  
  
All:  
We're a wild and an untamed thing.  
We're a wolf with a deadly bite.  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.  
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.  
So let the party and the sounds rock on.  
We're gonna shake it `til the life has gone.  
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my   
trouble and pain.  
  
We're a wild and an untamed thing.  
We're a wolf with a deadly bite.  
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.  
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.  
So let the party and the sounds rock on.  
We're gonna shake it `til the life has   
gone, gone, gone.  
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from   
my trouble and pain  
  
Zangulas:  
Xellos Metillum, it's all over.  
Your mission is a failure;  
Your lifestyle's too extreme.  
I'm your new commander;  
You now are my prisoner.  
We return to SlayersLand.  
Prepare the transit beam.  
  
"NO!" Xellos shrieked.  
Everyone sighed. "What do you think will happen now, another song or a long speech?" Lina whispered to Zelgadis.  
"Either way I'm going to kill myself if this gets much worse," Zelgadis whispered back.  
  
Xellos:  
On the day I went   
away...  
  
All:  
Goodbye...  
  
"Song," Lina and Zelgadis sighed.  
  
Xellos:  
Was all I had to   
say...  
  
All:  
Now I...  
  
Xellos:  
I want to come again,   
and stay.  
  
All:  
Oh, my, my...  
  
Xellos:  
Smile, and that will   
mean I may.  
`Cause I've seen, oh,   
red skies  
Through the tears of laughter   
in my eyes  
And I realize,   
I'm going home.  
  
All:  
I'm going home.  
  
Xellos:  
Everywhere it's been   
the same...  
  
All:  
...feeling...  
  
Xellos:  
...like I'm outside   
in the rain...  
  
All:  
...wheeling...  
  
Xellos:  
...free to try and   
find a game...  
  
All:  
...dealing...  
  
Xellos:  
...cards for sorrow,   
cards for pain.  
Such yummy food....  
`Cause I've seen, oh,   
red skies  
Through the tears of laughter  
in my eyes  
And I realize,   
I'm going home.  
I'm going home.  
I'm going home.  
I'm going home.  
  
Zangulas grinned. "You're so full of yourself. When I said we I meant Martina and myself. We've decided to kill you."  
Xellos blinked. "You have?"  
Satanic grin. "Yes."  
Xellos blinked again. "Forget this! I'm outta here!" he shouted teleporting.  
*****  
Keika stared at her original script. "Yes, the more I think about it I should have went with Jade's DBZ idea....."  
Xellos appeared and grabbed her by the arm. "We need to talk."  
"Is this about my immediate death after this fic is done?"  
"Yes."  
"Damn..... it starts already...."  
*****  
Everyone sweatdropped and stared at the spot where Xellos used to stand.  
"So...." Filia said tiddling her thumbs. "What do we do now?"  
Zangulas shot her.  
"What did you do that for?" Lina demanded.  
Zangulas sniffled. "She looked better in drag then I did!" he sobbed.  
"Please L-sama!" Zelgadis sobbed. "End the world! It will all be so much better this way! Please!"  
"We'll do the next best thing!" Martina cackled. "We'll end this fanfic! And take Naga out at the same time!"  
"How will you do that?" Rezo asked.  
"You see, this mansion is really a space ship," Zangulas explained. "Using Naga's laughing energy we will power the space ship and leave to another world."  
"What's a space ship?" Gourry asked.  
Zangulas shot him.  
Lina blinked. "So what to Zelgadis, Rezo, and I have to do with all this?"  
Martina shrugged. "Nothing. You just leave, be found by the police, have your story pasted all over the National Enquirer, and appear on the slow days of Jerry Springer."  
Everyone shrugged. "Okay!"  
*****  
The space ship took off leaving no trace of where it had once been. Lina, Zelgadis, and Rezo staggered around for a while before collapsing very artistically on the ground. All in all it was a normal day.  
*****  
Jade spun the globe. "And the call went out to outer space, that this fic was written by a nut case. The world spun 'round in bad taste, crawling upon it the human race."  
  
THE END  
  
"Now buy 'The Gourry Horror Picture Show' on VCR and DVD!" Jade chirped smiling. "Contains never before seen footage of the making of 'The Gourry Horror Picture Show'!"  
*****  
"I feel pretty oh so pretty!" Xellos chirped dancing about.  
"He's on drugs," Lina muttered.  
"I'm on Pixie sticks!"  
"Even worse."  
*****  
"I'm not going to touch Xellos!" Zelgadis protested. "He's icky!"  
"It's either that or I show the tape of you doing the strip tease to the polar bears," Jade threatened.  
"You mean the badly edited one in which you pasted my head on top of Prince Phil's?"  
"Yes."  
"So?"  
"Or I could make you Dr. Frank N Furter."  
"Come here Xellos!"  
*****  
Jade grinned at the camera. "Only $1,976.99! Call now!"  
Keika and Xellos appeared grinning. "Hey Jade, guess what! Xellos and I decided to go get married!"  
"Really?" Jade asked surprised.  
"Yeah," Xellos said beaming. "We're going to go visit Lord Beastmaster so she can marry us. Ta ta!"  
"Bye!" Jade called and watched the happy couple vanish. Grinning evilly she picked up the phone. "Hello, Vash? Yeah, it's Jade. HEY! Stop calling me the devil! I'm *only* the anti-Christ.... Anyway, are you busy tonight? No. Meet me at the old deserted mansion and bring everyone you know. I'll bring the drag..... Illegal!? No! We won't be doing anything illegal! I can't believe you would even thing of such a thing! Alright. Bye."  
She pulled a camera out of her pocket and cackled. "May 'The Trigun Horror Picture Show' live forever!!!"  
  
  
Okay, now that's the end. 


End file.
